Dog Testicle Discourse of May 13, 2026
The Dog Testicle Discourse of May 13, 2026 is the May afternoon exchange in which the Newfound Glory Hole responded to a New York Times statistic about urine jet length and testosterone by debating, in order, injection vs. ingestion, ropes of various girths, and Brian Ambuel's dots.
Dog Testicle Discourse of May 13, 2026
The Dog Testicle Discourse of May 13, 2026 is the most recent fully-documented bit in the Newfound Glory Hole corpus. It occupies a one-hour window between 16:19 and 17:30 UTC on May 13, 2026, and is notable for the speed with which it pivots from a New York Times statistic to ejaculation jokes to a heartfelt member defense to a discussion of Sunday Sauce's lunch menu.
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Inciting incident
Cullen Conway opens at 16:19 UTC with a screenshot caption:
"Quite a statistic by the NYT this morning."
One minute later, before any other member has had time to respond, Cullen narrates the next stage of the bit himself, third-person:
"[Kyle immediately starts crushing dog testicles]"
Kyle Derrick confirms the chat's intuition about the underlying statistic in a deadpan question:
"Confused what urine jet length has to do with test"
Cullen responds:
"The rest of it is pretty clear and straightforward to you"
Brian Ambuel joins:
"Bold of him to go with injection"
Cullen Conway returns:
"I'm gonna main line this and then see how hard I can piss"
Escalation
Matt:
"You'd rather eat dog testicles?"
"Gotta get it in somehow"
Cullen, in a tapback that the chat agrees deserved the laugh it got:
Reacted 😂 to "That guy was trying to shoot ropes"
Kyle, in three consecutive messages:
"I want to increase my rope girth"
"Diameter?"
"I want fatter ropes"
"Yeah certainly. Dried and powdered on a nice salad. Delicious"
The Dots Defense
In the lull after the rope thread, Brian Ambuel issues what has come to be regarded as the discourse's pivot point — two consecutive messages, the second of which is universally agreed to be the day's heart:
"Leave me alone about my dots"
"I shouldn't have to justify trying to converse with the boys"
The reference to dots is to Brian's Dots, a long-running joke about Brian's iMessage typing indicators (see "His dots popped up as if composing a message," Kyle Derrick, May 2, 2026). The Dots Defense closes the testicle-and-ropes thread by way of an explicit metacomment: Brian is reminding the chat that he is, in fact, just trying to converse with the boys.
Aftermath
The chat pivots, with the speed it is known for, to Hoen Lunch planning. Evan Bbbender asks at 16:44 — "Any hoens this week?" — and within fifteen minutes the Sunday Sauce meatball-sub case, the Laurelhurst case, and the garlic bread martini case have all been deployed. The discourse formally closes at 17:30 with Cullen's pronouncement that "Three martini lunch is back for the summer" (see Three Martini Lunch).